Week Three: The Holiday Monday Edition

After a week of false starts and unfinished drafts, sometimes the thing to do is wipe the slate and start over. I have this grand idea at the beginning of every week that I'm going to put together a masterful piece of writing - evocative, touching, clever. It's already written in my head, and all I need to do is get it down on paper, type it up, and there's another week in the books.

Days pass and words emerge, but not quickly enough. Things just don't go quite right. I find myself wrestling with moments of indecision, or hesitating, or stopping before I really feel finished because some other needs butt in and get in the way.

One of the greatest challenges that I have in my life is my struggle to hold the clarity of mind that I need to focus on one task and to finish it well, according to what I feel I'm capable of creating. There have been times in the past that I've succeeded and felt vindicated for my efforts. Sometimes, like this week, I feel like a fraud.

The past couple of weeks, I feel that I've done a poor job of regulating my relative input/output energy cycles. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself, but I'm not punishing myself for failures. I'm trying to make an honest accounting of what I'm capable of doing and what I've done.

I recently had a succession of powerful, otherworldly experiences. Three weekends in a row, I partook in some unique and mind-bending experiences that enriched my whole being. I walked away from those feeling enlightened and charged with creative energy. But life isn't all unique and mind-bending experiences. The real task is to carry that forward through the day-to-day without losing stride and without falling victim to the easy trappings of routine - idleness, wasted hours, mild but tolerable discomfort...

That may seem harsh, and I know that it is. I'm my own worst critic, as the cliche goes. But sometimes it's not entirely clear to me what I need to do differently. I create situations in my mind where there's enough time and energy to make everything happen. I practice my guitar for hours a day. I start my morning with yoga and a good breakfast. I sit down to write or read a good book instead of browsing the internet. It's a beautiful fantasy, and there are times that I struggle to make it a reality.

I have few wants and needs that are not met. There is one, though, that I don't think I'll ever fulfill - it's the desire to recycle the charge of creative energy that I receive from the people and situations in my life into creative endeavors that befit the gift I feel that I've been given.

I am immeasurably blessed. I am the recipient of beautiful gifts of love and time and good intentions from the people who are closest to me. It is my greatest desire to see that good energy turned into creativity that I feel is an honest expression of my capabilities. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not.

I don't make a habit of getting down on myself. I'm a human being with flaws and challenges and bad habits like everyone else, but I can also look at where I've spent the most time and energy in my life and see great friendships, a wonderful relationship with my partner, a smart and healthy and curious little boy who incites in me a desire to be a better person, to impart the kind of wisdom that I hope he'll carry forward into making the world a better place.

And with all that, there's the deluge of modern life. The mundane experience that's really anything but - work, home, study, music, writing, love, the routine of living. It's this amazing gift that feels overwhelming at times, and on days like today, it freezes me in my tracks as I try do decide how to act, what to do, how best to spend my time.

This blog has always been an exercise in self-discipline for me. I need it. And it helps, but not always. The incredible contrast between some of my recent experiences and what I do for work during my daytime hours has been difficult to reconcile. I have this feeling that things don't have to be this way, that I can spend more of my hours being engaged and consumed in creative passion and expression.

The most challenging thing is to make the world beautiful. I'm in a situation where it would be so easy to coast. I'm finished with school, I have a regular gig and a stable home. The pull of comfort and routine is incredibly powerful, but I don't want to succumb to it, and I don't plan to. What I need is a continuous challenge, a goal to work towards, a standard that I set for myself that's lofty but realistic.

Lofty but realistic. It's a tough balance at times, because I know what I can do when I'm able to gather the presence of mind. For as long as I can remember I've struggled with focus and attention, and finishing what I've started. We all have our hurdles, and this is mine. It's been a constant companion that I'd love to be rid of, but it's forever waiting for me to slip up in my good habits and slide back towards mediocrity.

I put this all out partially as a way to fulfill my weekly word count, but also as a marker that I can use to gauge my future success. I can look and say, I remember that week when I reached the end and knew that I could have done better - have I improved? Have I ameliorated my habits? Did my output match my capabilities? I hope that I'll be able to answer those questions in the affirmative far more often than not.