Week XIII: Imagine

"Jesus was alright but his disciples were thick and ordinary." - John Lennon

Goin' all John Lennon. Imagine there's no Yoko, it's easy if you try. No hell below us... I can't imagine a world without the Beatles. Wouldn't be worth living in. Hop on over to YouTube and put on 'I Want You (She's So Heavy)' while you're reading this, then 'Happiness is a Warm Gun' afterwards. It'll make your day better, I promise. If you can listen to the Beatles and still be in a bad mood, seek help, you're a sociopath.

The Beatles invented a lot of the recording techniques that are still in use today. They stopped playing live in the early '60s because no amplifier that was commercially available could overpower the volume of their screaming fans. No joke. Everything they wrote between '62 and '70 with a few exceptions was recorded at Abbey Road Studios. All of their psychedelic-fueled energy went into experimenting with studio wizard George Martin, who really ought to have been credited as a member of the band for all his contributions to their art. They created music that was never intended to be played for a live audience, and in the process discovered all sorts of studio tricks and effects that had never been attempted in the history of recorded music. 

The end of the Beatles was a sad, protracted legal battle - Paul McCartney filed suit to dissolve the band in 1971, but the latent contract disputes weren't resolved until more than 3 years later. There were occasional collaborations between members afterwards, but the band didn't play together again. One of the great moments in their career happened right before the end in 1969, when they played on the rooftop of their headquarters - the Apple building - in London. John Lennon was murdered in December of 1980, putting an end to any hope of a reunion.

The Beatles are the best and most important rock band of all time. Some might argue the case for Elvis, or maybe the Rolling Stones. They are wrong. The Beatles didn't ruin their legacy by fizzling out in a sad attempt to stay in the game long after their time in the sun. They left a back catalogue of timeless classics, and didn't try to make another go of it with substitute members. They didn't reunite and record a painful, underwhelming album in the modern era where their influence and relevance to the present-day musical landscape had long since passed.

Enter Black Sabbath. I quote from 'This is Spinal Tap': "This pretentious, ponderous collection of religious rock psalms inspires the question: on which day did God create [the new, Bill Ward-less Black Sabbath], and couldn't He have rested then, too." 

I submit into evidence the new single from Black Sabbath's unfortunately titled forthcoming album, '13', God Is Dead? The jury will note the protracted length of the track, which is not commensurate with the quality of riffing or vocals displayed therein. Absent the help of enlisted super-producer Rick Rubin, Ozzy's vocal performance would not stack up. The jury will also note the sheen of slick over-production which the prosecution will argue is utterly antithetical to the band often credited with founding the genre of heavy metal. This is a long way from the 1970s 'Basement Tapes' that were recorded in an empty movie theatre in Birmingham. Hard to re-capture that kind of magic. Compare, if you will, the aforementioned piece of studio theatrics to the classic Children of the Grave from their 1971 album 'Master of Reality'. It's sad, really. How the mighty have fallen and such.

The prosecution also submits into evidence the lack of drummer and founding member Bill Ward, who has been photoshopped out of all the photos on the band's official website. Something about an "unsignable contract," which is newspeak for "we're a bunch of rich old farts who bicker like little girls and sully our good name while pissing away our credibility in the eyes of our long-time, loyal fans." They've tapped Brad Wilk, formerly of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, for the studio. His playing is the only thing I'm excited about in this entire fiasco. I love Brad Wilk, he's one of my all-time favourite drummers. He's also not Bill Ward. Kinda makes this whole reunion thing feel a bit wrong, y'know... In short, WHY, BLACK SABBATH!? DEAR GOD, WHY!?

I don't want to misrepresent myself here. I'm a huge fan of Black Sabbath and always will be, which is why I won't be listening to their new album, watching the inevitable bootleg footage of their big fat overpriced reunion tour, or more generally having anything to do with their post 1982 catalogue. You have to let sleeping dogs lie, dammit! Shame on you, Black Sabbath! Ronnie James Dio is rolling in his grave! You could have at least had the decency to avoid this latest tabloid-riddled tour into the mainstream, and I could have continued to forgive you for recording 'Born Again,' but NOOOOOO! You just had to have one last kick at the rusty, crumpled can. 

I wonder what sort of ornamental device they'll employ to prop up Ozzy onstage for the forthcoming string of shows where they'll trade on classics that are now older than most of their new fans. The people who'll become familiar with their music through this new album will be used to overproduced, brain-dead rock, and they'll look back on the early years of Black Sabbath with derision and dismiss it without any appreciation or understanding of the history behind it, or the importance of their early music to everything heavy that came after.

I hope that when Ozzy, Tony Iommi, and Geezer Butler (and that harlot, Rick Rubin) foist their bastard child on the public next month that the big boost in "vintage" t-shirt sales to 16 year old girls at Hot Topic will be enough to compensate for the loss of their souls. We sold our soul for rock 'n roll? More like a 360 deal with options on future concert ticket revenues... HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT!?


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